When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
