you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I will pee on everything he values.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I lost the right to judge tonight
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
