I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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