Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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