The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
