I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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