That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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