I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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