planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
