remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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