I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Just invented taco cereal.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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