She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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