bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I want her autograph on my taint
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize