I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
