when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
