Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
