so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
