Where did you get a picture of my penis
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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