Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
