so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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