The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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