he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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