I am puke
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize