My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize