I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
