you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
