I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I'm getting married
To pizza
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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