MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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