Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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