Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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