I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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