Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
