Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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