I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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