ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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