What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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