You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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