Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I intend to get homeless drunk
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
