oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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