final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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