you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Randomize
