So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
