she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
