yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
