i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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