Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
