never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
