tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
