Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize