He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
My feet surprised me
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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