Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
