he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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