I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
