...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
