The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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