he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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