New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
