2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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