We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I checked into jail on foursquare
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
