Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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