there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Randomize
