There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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