Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
