everyone is single if you try hard enough
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
