I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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