I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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