I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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