saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
