I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
