i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
