I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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