Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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