i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize