Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
