Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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