my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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